Its been a minute! I feel as though I have been in a whirl wind recently. I have felt the happiest I have ever felt, the love of a good man, and yet all I have done is sabotage it by thinking he deserves better, everyone wants to hurt me eventually, and before anything for not loving myself.
Depression is not feeling down for an hour out of your day. It’s not something to be glorified. It’s not beautiful.
Depression is being on the brink of tears because you dropped your glass of water. It’s not having the urge to clean up the mess, rather you fall on the floor and cry.
It’s feeling safety in not brushing your hair for weeks at a time.
Depression is one extreme to another, you’re either so high with happiness or so down that you doubt the world will have colour again.
Depression and panic attacks can hit you at work, in your car, at a birthday party, shopping centre, or even at a club.
Some days are good, great in fact, and you almost feel like you’re better. Then something small, a look from someone or a memory, can turn you into a mess.
People will ask why are you crying? What’s wrong? And the only answer you can give is ‘I don’t know but it’s nothing new’.
There will be days where you roll out of bed and you’ll have black under your eyes from yesterday’s mascara. It’s there because you didn’t have the energy to take your makeup off the night before.
Everyone will tell you that it will get better… and you dream of when it will be. Some days I swear I can feel the sun radiating happiness through my body, and then other days I feel nothing and everything all at once. Depression is not easy nor is it a quick fix.
Loving someone with depression is even harder. I swear I’ll get better, if not for myself but for my partner. But, when things seem too hard all I can think is they’d be better off without me. I’d rather break my own heart than keep hurting them.
When you live with depression and complement your partner, you break a little each time. You break because you can’t look at yourself without thinking of everything you want to change.
Depression doesn’t just hit the ‘kids with bad upbringings’. You can have a very privileged background with parents who love you unconditionally, parents who give you anything and everything you could want. But some bad things can happen, planting a seed for you to carry for life.
Your friends and family encourage you to talk to them when you’re having an episode. But how can you do that when it’s 3 am in the morning?
Depression is not fun, it’s not a game, and it’s not a quirk to add to your personality because you think it’s cool. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people. Depression doesn’t just disappear, you don’t suddenly wake up and decide not to feel hopeless.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be weak. You’re not bulletproof, you’re human. You’re capable of getting hurt. Feel the emptiness. Figure it out. Savour each tear. Grieve. Cry your heart out and ruin your mascara. Stop pretending. Unmask yourself. Breakdown if you are tired. Break.
Get lost in the solitude you’ve been battling inside. You are hurt. ADMIT IT. Stop pretending that you’re okay for the first time. And let the curve in your face be sadness rather than smiles. Let it all out. Swear if you want. It’s fine. Be miserable. With time, you will be healed.
And after, go on with your life. Leave the pain to those tears you have shed. Let the memories remain but not the mourning. Smile. Smile the real smile, without pretension and heartaches. Be okay. Be fixable. Be happy. Live. Begin again.